


No Returns

by crystalkei



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Future Fic, Married Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25757617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: Shamelessly influenced by my current status of unpacking so many boxes and a prompt on tumblr "help, my wife got wine drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire, saying “good luck trying to return me without the receipt”"
Relationships: Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 11
Kudos: 61





	No Returns

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a little thing i wrote on tumblr but i really liked it so i wanted to make sure ppl that aren't following me over there could see this too!

It turns out that when moving, all the shit they owned had to be packed in boxes. And then all those boxes had to be walked onto a Uhaul, and then that Uhaul had to be driven across town to the house, the first house they bought together. And then those boxes had to be unloaded and unpacked and new homes for all of the shit in boxes had to be located and assigned. How did their one bedroom apartment have all this shit in it? They hadn’t been living in it for more than a year!

By the third day of being surrounded by boxes, Devi couldn’t take it anymore and had a whole bottle of wine by herself and then a couple more shots of tequila that wasn’t going to fit in the fridge once they’d done a big grocery shop that day so somebody had to drink it. And that’s how she ended up unpacking the box labeled “IMPORTANT PAPERS” while drunk. 

Paxton had been mowing the lawn just as the sun set because the HOA was already on their asses and it had only been three days. But he came into see Devi surrounded by folders with “TAXES” written on the tabs and the year, his framed degree and teaching certificate, her medical licenses from the two states she’d practiced in before she came back home and finally agreed to marry him, and something in her hand. 

“Oh, good, you’re here!” she shouted, standing up, swaying a little as she did. 

Paxton tilted his head confused. She was a sight to see: her hair in a messy bun on top of her head, wearing her glasses askew and a hoodie of his, and no pants. When he’d gone outside an hour ago she was sober and now she was...not. 

She was holding a long piece of official looking paper and it took him a minute to register what it was and what was happening before-

“Good luck trying to return me without the receipt!” she shouted, lifting a Bath and Body Works three wick, green apple, _lit_ candle in front of her, dangling what he now saw was their marriage certificate over the flame. 

“Devi, no!” He started to run for her but she moved the legal sized document closer to the flame so he froze. He knew he’d need a different strategy. “We need that!”

“So you can return me? Not a chance! You’re stuck now, sucka!” 

Tomorrow, this would be a funny story. Today it was harrowing. The city records people were notorious to deal with in Los Angeles county. If you pissed off Delores in records, you had to go over her head to the state office and you had to do it before Delores called her friend there because then they’d stonewall you and you’d never get that official copy. (How did Paxton know all that? Because Devi made an off color joke about Delores at records reminding her of Delores the lunch lady at Sherman Oaks High and it had taken Paxton three days to sort it out just so they could get their marriage license.) 

“It costs $25 to get a certified copy!” 

As she’d gotten older, she had turned a little bit into her mother, worried about the smallest expenses, but her face didn’t change at all at the implication that it would cost money to replace the paper she was still dangling very close to an open flame. 

“Why would we need this? The only reason is for you to try and return me!” Her eyes welled up with tears and Paxton’s shoulders dropped.

“Devi, I’m not gonna return you,” he said, slowly taking a step towards her, hoping to at least get close enough to blow out the candle. “Being married to you has been the best year of my life, you hot nerd.” 

Devi sniffed and lifted the paper a little ways away from the flame. 

“You love me, right?” she asked, her voice quiet. 

“So much,” Paxton said, taking two more steps towards her, gently taking the candle out of her hand and setting it on the end table, but keeping his eyes locked with hers. 

Devi gulped and looked at the marriage certificate. “Fine, you can have it.” 

“Not gonna return you,” he said, taking the paper and tossing it behind him and reaching to pull her into a hug. 

“You smell disgusting,” she slurred into his neck.

“Yeah, I mowed the lawn.”

“Maybe I should return you.” Devi jumped, and he caught her as her legs wrapped around his waist.

“You can’t, I have the marriage certificate now, this was my plan all along,” he said, carrying her towards the bedroom.

“You’re a criminal mastermind!” she said, almost asleep against him. 


End file.
